Picture Sunday. The person who sent the message decides to let the silence go. Decided, in a second, sitting on the bed. On Monday the chest still tightens when the supervisor walks in. The decision was real. So is the tightening. They are two different things, on two different clocks.
Decide to forgive→The feeling follows→Weeks later: the chest no longer tightens
People who study forgiveness split it in two. One is a decision: I will not pay this back, and I will treat them as before. The other is a feeling: the resentment itself fading. The decision can be made in a moment. The feeling follows on the body's clocks, and it can take weeks.
The decision
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The feeling
Which of the two can be done in a second?
The decision. The feeling comes on its own clock.
Right. A decision is the mind's, and the mind can make one in a moment. The feeling is the body's, and the body has the three clocks from the last lesson.
The feeling. Once you forgive, the resentment is gone.
Not yet. That is what the word seems to promise, and the body does not keep that promise. The feeling fades on the days clock, and sometimes a slower one.
Neither. Forgiveness takes years.
Not yet. The feeling can take a long time. The decision does not; it is made in one moment, and it can be made before any of the feeling has moved.
Picturing a grudgeheart up, sweat up
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Picturing forgivingrises far less
The body answers to the picture, not the decision. In a 2001 study, people were asked to picture holding a grudge against someone who had hurt them. Their heart rate, blood pressure and sweating went up. Asked to picture forgiving the same person, all three rose far less. The body followed whichever picture was held.
Three things happen after the decision. Tap the one the body does on its own clock, not the mind's.
Tap the part of the picture that answers it.
Deciding to let it go
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Saying hello as before
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The chest no longer tightening
The chest no longer tightening
Right. The tightening is the alarm, and the alarm takes the short road and the slow messengers. It fades as the replays fade, on the days clock. The decision cannot order it to stop; it can only stop feeding it.
Deciding to let it go
Not yet. The decision is the mind's, and it is made in a moment. It is the start of the clock, not the thing that runs on it.
Saying hello as before
Not yet. Saying hello is a choice, and the decision makes it possible on Monday morning. It is the mind acting; the body may still be tightening while the mouth says hello.
Decision→No new fuel→Old replays fade→Alarm quietens
Why is the body slower? The alarm is fed by replays, and the decision does not delete the replays. It removes the reason for new ones. The old ones fade on their own, each a little weaker than the last. A decision to forgive is not the end of the feeling. It is the end of adding to it.
Move the control forward from the day of the decision. The charge in the body is made up and round: once no new fuel is added, the replays halve each week.
The charge now100%
The day of the decision100%
0The day of the decision. The charge is at its full strength; the decision has only just cut the fuel.
The charge now50%
The day of the decision100%
1One week on. The charge is at about 50 per cent. No new replays; the old ones halve each week.
The charge now25%
The day of the decision100%
2Two weeks on. The charge is at about 25 per cent. No new replays; the old ones halve each week.
The charge now6%
The day of the decision100%
4Four weeks on. The charge is at about 6 per cent. No new replays; the old ones halve each week.
The charge now0%
The day of the decision100%
8Eight weeks on. The charge is about zero. The replays stopped coming and the old ones faded on their own.
Two weeks after the decision the chest still tightens, at about a quarter of the strength. Has the decision failed?
No. The feeling is on the days-and-weeks clock, and a quarter after two weeks is the clock working.
Right. Halving each week gives a half at one week and a quarter at two. The decision cut the fuel on day one; the fading is the body doing the rest in its own order.
Yes. If it had worked the feeling would be gone.
Not yet. That expects the feeling to run on the decision's clock. It runs on its own, and halving each week means a quarter at two weeks is exactly on time.
It never started. Feelings cannot be decided.
Not yet. The feeling was not decided; the fuel supply was. A quarter of the charge, down from the whole, is the sign the supply was cut.
Move the control.
Meant itthe mind
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Still flinchesthe body
This is why someone can mean their forgiveness and still flinch. The flinch is not a lie about the decision. It is the body on an older clock, still finishing. Both are true at once, and the slower one belongs to the body.
Each is something a person says a month after deciding to forgive a friend. Is it the decision or the feeling?
One card at a time. Tap the pile it belongs to.
Card 1 of 6
I am not going to bring it up again.
My stomach still drops when I see her name.
I invited her to the party like always.
I noticed I did not think about it all weekend.
I am not going to tell the others what she did.
I laughed at her joke and it was not forced.
I am not going to bring it up again. → The decision
Not yet. The decision. It is a choice about what to do, and it was available on day one.
My stomach still drops when I see her name. → The feeling
Not yet. The feeling. The stomach is the alarm, and the alarm runs on the body's clock, not the day the choice was made.
I invited her to the party like always. → The decision
Not yet. The decision, acted on. Treating her as before is the second half of the choice, and it can be done while the stomach still drops.
I noticed I did not think about it all weekend. → The feeling
Not yet. The feeling. A weekend without replays is the fading, and it arrived on its own; nobody decided not to think.
I am not going to tell the others what she did. → The decision
Not yet. The decision. Not paying it back is the first half of the choice, and it holds whether or not the feeling has moved.
I laughed at her joke and it was not forced. → The feeling
Not yet. The feeling. A laugh that is not forced is the body agreeing with the decision, weeks after the mind made it.
The decisionday one
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The feelingits own order
Right. Three decisions, all made at once, and three feelings, each arriving on its own day. The person did not forgive twice. They forgave once, and then the body caught up in its own order.
Lesson complete
Deciding to forgive takes a second; feeling forgiving takes the body's own time, and both are real.