Picture the supervisor three months ago, when you were praised in a meeting for a piece of work they had wanted to do themselves. They went quiet then, too. People call this feeling envy: wanting what someone else has, and feeling smaller because they have it.
Close
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It matters to them
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You are ahead
Envy needs three things at once. The other person is close: a colleague, a sibling, a friend, not a film star. The thing matters to the envious person: their own work, not your football. And the other person is doing better at it. Take any one away and the feeling does not come.
A stranger's prize
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Younever played
A stranger across the world wins a prize in a sport you have never played. By the three things, how much envy?
A lot. They won and you did not.
Not yet. Winning is only the third thing. Without the other two, a stranger's prize in a sport you do not play is news, not a loss.
None. Not close, and the sport does not matter to you, so two of the three are missing.
Right. Only the third thing is there: they won. Without a person you measure yourself against, in a thing you measure yourself by, a win is news.
A little, because any win stings.
Not yet. A win stings when it is in your own game and by someone at your own table. A stranger in another game is as far from the three things as a person can be.
Themthe ruler
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Youmoved up
Why these three? People measure their own worth by comparing with the people nearest them. The person at the next desk is the ruler we measure ourselves with. When that person moves up, we feel moved down, though nothing about us has changed. A supervisor measured against the person they manage feels it most.
Set how close the person is and how much the thing matters to the one comparing. The envy score is made up and round: close and matters scores 9; far and does not matter scores 0.
Envy0 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
A stranger · Not at allA stranger, in something that matters not at all to them. No comparison is made with someone you never stand next to. Envy 0.
Envy0 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
A stranger · SomeA stranger, in something that matters some to them. No comparison is made with someone you never stand next to. Envy 0.
Envy0 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
A stranger · Their own workA stranger, in their own work. No comparison is made with someone you never stand next to. Envy 0.
Envy0 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
A friend · Not at allA friend, in something that matters not at all to them. Close enough to compare, and nothing to compare. Envy 0.
Envy1 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
A friend · SomeA friend, in something that matters some to them. Both things are there, one of them only partly. Envy 1 out of 9.
Envy3 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
A friend · Their own workA friend, in their own work. Both things are there, one of them only partly. Envy 3 out of 9.
Envy0 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
The next desk · Not at allThe next desk, in something that matters not at all to them. Close enough to compare, and nothing to compare. Envy 0.
Envy3 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
The next desk · SomeThe next desk, in something that matters some to them. Both things are there, one of them only partly. Envy 3 out of 9.
Envy9 out of 9
The worst corner9 out of 9
The next desk · Their own workThe next desk, in their own work. All three things at once. The ruler they measure themselves with has just moved up. Envy 9, the worst corner.
A stranger, in the thing that matters most to them. What is the score?
Nine, because it is their own work.
Not yet. Their own work is the third column, and a stranger is the first row, and the score is the two multiplied. A ruler you never stand next to measures nothing.
Three. Half the ingredients, half the envy.
Not yet. Envy is not a sum of its parts. One missing ingredient takes the whole feeling away, which is why the stranger's row is zero all the way along.
Zero. Without closeness the comparison is not made, however much the thing matters.
Right. The ruler has to be someone you stand next to. A stranger doing well at your own work is a fact about the world, not a mark on you.
Move both controls.
Pulls self upwants it too
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Pulls you downwants you without it
Envy comes in two kinds. One kind says: I want that too, and pulls the person up. The other says: I want them not to have it, and pulls the other person down. The second kind is the one that goes quiet, leaves the praise out, and does not reply. The silence is the pulling down.
Each is something an envious person does. Is it pulling themselves up, or pulling the other person down?
One card at a time. Tap the pile it belongs to.
Card 1 of 6
Asks how you did the work, and tries it.
Leaves your name off the email about it.
Stays late to learn the thing you are good at.
Does not reply to your message.
Mentions your mistake in front of the team.
Asks to be put on the next project like yours.
Asks how you did the work, and tries it. → Pulling self up
Not yet. Pulling up. The feeling has turned into work on themselves; you are left exactly where you were.
Leaves your name off the email about it. → Pulling other down
Not yet. Pulling down. Nothing about them has improved; something about you has been made smaller in front of others.
Stays late to learn the thing you are good at. → Pulling self up
Not yet. Pulling up. The extra hours are spent on their own skill, which is the only place the first kind of envy ever goes.
Does not reply to your message. → Pulling other down
Not yet. Pulling down. The silence costs them nothing and leaves you asking, which is the ranking they want kept.
Mentions your mistake in front of the team. → Pulling other down
Not yet. Pulling down. The mistake was real; the choice to say it in front of the team is work on your place, not theirs.
Asks to be put on the next project like yours. → Pulling self up
Not yet. Pulling up. Wanting the same chance is the first kind: it adds to them and takes nothing from you.
3Work on themselves
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3Work on you
Right. Both kinds start from the same three things. One turns the feeling into work on themselves; the other turns it into work on you. The silence belongs to the second kind, and it is about their place, not your message.
Themthe higher step
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Youasking
This is what the silence is for, when it is envy. It is not about the message or the accident. It keeps the ranking the way the envious person wants it: you asking, them not answering. The silence is a small act of standing on the higher step, and it says where they feel they are.
Brothergot the place
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Sisterstopped liking
A sister stops liking her brother's posts after he gets into the university she wanted. By this lesson, which is true?
All three things are there: close, it matters to her, he is ahead. Withholding the likes is the pulling-down kind.
Right. A sibling is as close as a ruler gets, and the university was her own wish. The likes cost nothing to give; not giving them is work on his place.
She is pulling herself up by ignoring him.
Not yet. Pulling up looks like work on herself: applying again, asking how he did it. Withholding something from him is work on him, which is the other kind.
She has simply lost interest in social media.
Not yet. Possible, and the timing says otherwise: the change came with the university place. A loss of interest does not usually arrive on the same day as a sibling's win.
Lesson complete
Envy needs someone close, in a thing that matters, doing better; the silence keeps their place.